Forgive Me Bloggers, For I Have Binged…

21 Mar

The feelings of guilt after my last binge were just too much to handle. I knew what I should have done post-binge: I should have forgiven myself, I should have identified the emotions that triggered the binge, and I should have resumed normal eating patterns.

But, the  overwhelming feelings of self-loathing overshadowed all rational thinking. So, to distract myself from this binge-induced self-hatred, I binged again. For the following three days, I stuffed myself with chocolate, nachos,  cake, fries, bread and crisps. The large quantities of food served their purpose well, drowning out all of my negative self-talk and numbing me nicely.

But during this three day binge-episode, I did something that I have never done before: I cried. Instead of feeling angry at myself or pathetic about my behaviour, I just felt sadness. And I think that this represented a small kind of breakthrough.

Emerging from the extended-binge today, I do not feel the usual steely determination to launch myself into a strict diet and exercise regime to counteract the over-eating. Even though the temptation to do so did present itself for a fleeting moment, I dismissed it. I now know that this behaviour would not serve me well. And I feel that the act of believing in and honouring this knowledge is a small step in the right direction, towards recovery.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: